Date: 2009-11-15 20:32 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Its quiet here with Amber sleeping. I am in one of those weird moods. The ultrasound tech said little girl, so my new one is going to be named Isis Marie. I hope that all is going well with her brewing processes. My doctor doesn't really share alot just kinda says looks good and that should be enough. I tend to want more information but with Amber I think maybe I had too much information so I am just going with the flow.

I think Amber is finally not missing doug every waking moment and I am doing the same. He calls and asks about doctor appointments and the like but doesn't really say much that is new. I hear alot of i'm sorry and won't you reconsider, but I'm not so sure about all that either. We have talked and I have seen him, there isn't anything rude or drama ridden going on. I guess that is one thing to be grateful for.

This post is realy going no where so I think i will end it. Kinda like my mood just blah blah blah it goes in my world today.

Date: 2009-10-26 22:06 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Well, as life yet again turns and twists all the stress and drama makes an impact.  Amber cried for a long time tonight because she couldn't say goodnight to doug, I wanted to cry with her but had to be strong.  I hope that it doesn't take forever for her to stop saying doug doug doug doug.  But, I knew when I made the decision for him to leave it would be hard and I won't be weak because she misses him.  Obviously, the issues in our relationship were just too big for me to overcome.  Stress and drama both suck!

Date: 2009-10-21 14:09 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

As expected, my friend Mary Lynn "Cym" Wagner Vaughan has ended this journey and started on the next.  She finally found peace this afternoon around 12:30 and will be missed deeply.  I will not go on and on about the life she lead or the decisions she made, she was and always will be Cym and that says enough for anyone the was touched by her.  I will hope that in this time of grief that I can respect her the way she would want to be respected.  Through tears I will remember all the wonderful times we talked for hours and the dreams we shared. The simple way she put things and the crazy way she would explain her life.  When I grow up I hope that someone along the line sees me the same way I saw her, as an amazing woman who lived a life full of all types of experiences and lived to tell special people about them.  I for one am so blessed to have been part of her life.  I will close with something she would say, Merry Met, and Blessed Be my friend. Blessed Be.

Date: 2009-10-17 01:25 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Wow, what a month this has been. 

They turned off the life support today, she is breathing on her own but her kidneys and liver are not functioning.  The doctors say it is just a matter of time before nature takes it course and carries her away.  I wish there was something that I could do but its beyond anyone's help at this point.  I hope she is not suffering right now.

Monday is paternity testing day, after 8 months of no information on when its ggoing to happen now in a few days the test will be run to see if Jim is Amber's dad.

My birthday has come and gone without much fanfare or bravado.

Amber was sick for a few days last week.  It was the first time she had vomited and my first time helping her when she wasn't feeling well. 

And...

I went to the emergency room this evening and found out that i've been feeling crappy because I have hand foot and mouth disease.  Which can turn into all kinds of crap when you have it after your 5 or 6 years old.  

So yea, to say that this month has sucked would be an understatement. 
I look like a hormonal teenager with about 30 pimples I feel like every joint in my body hurts and to top it all off this could turn into viral meningitus. however you spell it . I can't sleep because my feet are thumping, I can't eat cause I have sores in my mouth, I can't move my hands to type this without thinking good lord do I even care to rant on it hurts so much.  I want to scream so loud that the earth shakes around me and just let all this built up nastiness lose, but then i would have to deal with amber waking up and that would be even more tradgic.  Can I please crawl under a rock and hide for a few months?

Date: 2009-10-15 21:15 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

It all seems so trivial.  I wonder sometimes why people do the things they do but in all honesty 3/4 of the time I don't understand some of the things I do so what makes me think that i could grasp what others intentions are.  I wish I could say that all is well, but it is not.   I wish I could say that peace will come in a quiet way some ideal monday afternoon but will it?  

Its my birthday, I'm tired, I'm pregnant, and I'm sad.  I guess that is enough said.

Date: 2009-10-14 21:30 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

So friday morning they will be turning off the life support of a great friend. From what I understand she probably will be gone within the hour of that event.  After many tears and several negative thoughts, the decision was not mine to make and I need to accept that she will be gone.  My feelings are very mixed about the last few years, drama happened and we fell out of touch.  But, that doesn't mean that her passing will be easy for me.    I have written a poem about her and wish to share it here.  Its probably chessy and kinda silly but I need to voice that she touched my life in a million ways and that she will be remembered fervently in the future.  With that said I will share my tear stained regard to my friend for years, Mary Lynn Wagner Vaughan or Cym as I called her for years.

life and death something marking,
wisdom learned meaningless now,
simple wishes oh the yearning,
whispers given promises spent,end is coming.

i hope that warm sleep envelopes you,
with dreams of godesses and fields all blue,
times have changed the minutes ticking,
but the glimpse of reality is waking.

my life will ever be something you touched,
never again will that thought be lost,
even though time didn't heal the wounds forged in dramas stew,
no matter what when or where inside me there is apart of you.
so in this time of sorrowful remeberance
i will think of you with a smile

for you made this world a better place,
gave me smiles and showed me peace,
your journey will never be done,
as long as your within this small one.

Date: 2009-06-22 20:44 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I'm sitting her, Amber is quietly resting, and my thoughts are centered on current stress.  When the rain starts in my life it continues until there is a flood. I wonder why that is always the way it seems to go?   Is it something about me and the way that i deal with things or is it something about the cycle of life that dictates that type of  bombardment.  I'm extrremely overwhelmed, almost unable to function in fact but life still brings more on ... is it some kind of cruel joke? Will I wake up from this recent onslaught knowing that all is well and that it was just some type of waking dream in a continual progresssion of destiny.      being overwhelmed sucks

Date: 2009-06-21 06:12 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

what an interesting world we live in... in different days, i would see the current circumstance as much more then i do.  I don't know if the years have brought knowledge and understanding or complaciency and lack of motivation but the times have defiantly changed.  Once more medical marvels require a change in my current status.  I am pregnant, again. 

I could write books on my feelings and thoughts but what would be the point.  I'm due in jan. and no matter how i feel time will bring another child into this life of mine.

Date: 2009-04-28 22:22 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Tags: via ljapp

Wow it's been a bit crazy but life happens that way
I try to be mom employee daughtor friend lover and me but, craziness prevails. Not that life is harder or impossible just for lack of a better word.... More Demanding Then I ever thought it would be.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Date: 2009-03-05 09:24 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Tags: via ljapp

Tired
So very tired

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Date: 2009-02-16 02:05 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

The craziness of years past has been quietly creeping in on my solitude and serinty.  While I wasn't looking and life was moving at a pace hard to maintain I've allowed my lack of fortitude against my demons to engulf my present situation.  All of which really sucks!  But, nothing can change the happenings that lead me to this place and the only moment I can control is the next moment about to happen. 

Confusion hasn't invaded my world even though the circumstances of my personal situation could allow for a total lose of all abilities.  I made a bad decision and am currently taking on my responsibility for that lapse of judgement, but the really weird part about the whole mess is I am ok with it.  I am currently sitting here mad at myself for not recognizing the approach but not upset with the action that obviously changes the current situation. 

I am unsure if this is my new pitty pot, or if this is self awareness.  At one point in my life a massive failure in this same type of situation would have sent me to a place beyond careing, but I just don't have that option.  I am completly devistated by my actions and want nothing more then to run but that isn't an option either.  So i am here wide awake typing my thoughts, all the while knowing the only value is theroputic. 

Life moves on the mistake is made.  Nothing can be done to change the decision or the result.  It isn't the end of the world, this too shall pass, yadda yadda yadda.  Its all so exact.  I made a mistake I admitted that and now I am past it.  Is this what being an adult is like?  No drama No details needed Just an honest damn it and done.  It somehow seems void of something neccesary to move past the whole mess, but I can't fathom what anymore contiplation would bring.  Somewhere deep inside me is screaming how can you be ok with this, less then 5 years ago this would have been earth sshattering.  I can hear that quiet little whimper getting squished as I type this.  Somethings are beyond my control, no point in hashing it all out.  Somethings are within my control and while I obviously had a lapse in judgement, tommorrow in the same circumstance the judgement is still mine to make at that moment.  Who knows and who cares at this point what that decision is going to be. 

My demons are not as strong as they once were. My world can't just fall to pieces because of a decision, that while imporant, can't be changed. I can only stand on my own two feet and do the next right thing.  Who Knew.

Date: 2009-01-16 19:16 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Well, Amber is sleeping and i'm getting ready to do the same but I just had to take a few minutes before the chores and things to update everyone.  First off, I do read everyone's journal even though I havn't been updating much so don't be thinking I'm not interested or anything I'm just really busy.  Work is going good even though its been almost 4 months when I get up in the morning I am still positive about going out in the cold and driving there.  (Which is amazing stuff considering my record on work) Amber is running around everyone where and it seems like a new word is spoken everyday.   Hi is a constant and I love you is so cute to hear, todays word is all gone!  I guess she hears that one alot so it was easy to pick it up.  When you say Amber she looks and says what,  its just the cutest thing.  She hates the cold and naps are evil according to the look she gives when you put her down for one.  But, all in all she is a happy creature full of excitiment with new things and the willingness to eat anything that is put in her path.

I have been quietly going through the motions of society as of late.  Work and mommy things take up the majority of my time.  When I'm not doing one the other has priority.  But, I think soon I will have time to get out of the norm and run around a bit.  Amber is becoming less negitive about the car seat and the weather will soon enough be nice so were making plans to hang out with friends in march.  Its crazy I am scheduling things for march knowing that now its impossible but I need something to look forward to. 
I've been saving up money like crazy, when your poor you don't get the oppurtunity to spend so I just havn't allowed myself to spend anything other then the tv and ipod.  The flat screen tv was more for amber then myself because she has a few toys that are interactive and that old 13 inch black and white wouldn't hook to those toys, the ipod is for me and boy do i love that thing.  If you havn't been close to an ipod touch check them out at walmart but order one from apple, they give free engraving.   So my ipod says my name and is packed full of games and music as well as pictures and videos of the little bit. 

Well I guess thats the big update.  Oh the holidays were pretty uneventful amber enjoyed the whole present thing and I enjoyed that I could buy them for her.  My mom and dad babysit while i'm at work and that girl has grampa wrapped around her finger!  I do hope that everyone is doing well and that this update finds you each happy and content.  What else, oh yea still clean ... i have almost 2 years without drink or drug, jeep is running fine, and life is good (not in a worpped way just the reg. way).  With that i will end ... enjoy

Date: 2008-12-09 19:01 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Well, work is going better then expected.  Life has come to a place that leaves me wondering when the other shoe is going to drop... I do wonder that once and a while.  But the thing is, its not like i am worrying about it every moment...  Back to work, I am taking supervisor calls now.  So, I deal with the people that the other operators can't handle.  I love it!  This might be bad but its a major power trip for me.  I think that its been good for me to excel at this job.  I wish I had time for more but right now i gotta to get to cleaning.

Date: 2008-10-26 20:42 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

So work is going good, there was a tiny bit of drama a few days ago but nothing to major.  I think I am really going to be able to keep this job.  The people calling in are really mad but they are nice usual even though there pissed off.  I'm still positive about it and its more then 2 weeks in so something either must be right with job or me.  I hope its a bit of both to be honest.  I usually get a job keep it for a minute then say scrrew it i can be poor, but amber deserves to not be poor so i have to keep this job!  I wonder what I will be saying in a few more weeks.  gotta run get everything gathered up for the morning

Date: 2008-10-13 06:20 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I'm getting ready to go to work, for the first time in a long time.  Actually, I am already ready just waiting a few more moments before scooping up Amber and starting off toward the baby sitter.    Mike called me to wish me a great day and tell me that he loves me and wants me to do well today.  My myspace apps are all set for the day.  My house is a wreck, and the car has gas.   All is right in the world, and today I will make money.  Becoming a productive member of society, thats what the program says.  Does this count? 

Date: 2008-10-07 12:53 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

So, life is moving the way it always does.  I might start working soon, which will be a plus.  I am  a bit worried about it though, I havn't worked since I got clean.  Having money has often been a trigger for me, but knowing what is going on inside me helps to maintain the balance I have tried to create in my life.   Amber I hope will not suffer too much while grandma watches her, and I think that becoming more self reliant will help me to feel a bit more centered. 

Often I have for a moment maintained  some type of normal world, but I feel like this time its for real.  For Amber I can do anything!!!  I sort of wish that these changes had come from other things that happened in my life.  But, with out those previous worries I wouldn't be who I have become.  Amber is napping so I best get on the dishes and cleaning ... it sucks that I have to do it all .... it never seems to get fully done.  I will try to post again soon.

Date: 2008-09-13 22:02 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Well, I'm calmed down from the whole landlord mess and things are getting back to normal.  Amber and I do well with normal.  I've been looking for a job, I think she is old enough for a few hours of daycare with no issue.  I really wanted to wait until she could talk but its hard being broke and knowing that she will need something I can't provide.  So, I need to suck it up and get a job.  Ewwwwwwww

I'm sure it will be alright though, having a few extra dollars will make it worth it if I can find something that I fit into. 

In other news I've had some interesting things happen as of late.  Lots of old friends have been popping up in my world.  Lots of things in my life I'm not particularly fond of but nothing bad has come back to haunt me yet.  I have a new way about myself now, several people that want to come back really don't fit into my world now.  I'm not sure how to deal with that in all honesty.  So, i've just been ignoring it and letting things happen as they will.  But I know that isn't going to work for long.  I've been clean for a long time now and I don't want to use again ever!  But I know that allowing people from my past to upset my balance isn't a good way to keep that balance.
The really hard part for me is that old friends are the hardest kind to find, obviously there had to be reasons for the friendships .... figuring out what they were and if they still apply has been gut wrenching to say the least.

But all in all I know that I will not allow Amber to be influenced in anyway by these things.  When I really consider it all none of it really matters, if people want to become friends with me again then they will have to take me as I am now.  If that isn't acceptable for them then I will just have to not become friends with them again.   Most of the people comeing around are simply ccurious about my world they will leave once that curiosity runs its course. 

I'm going to stop dwealing on this and head to bed.  Amber will be up at 5 so I try to be in bed around 10.  Huggles to everyone and I hope the world is treating each of you with a kindness that brings smiles and warmth deep into each of your worlds.

Date: 2008-09-06 18:34 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Amber is down for the night and I'm trying to unwind a bit before I have to bag everything in my apartment up.  I've been so serene lately that this intrusion is pissing me off.  I've been thinking about why I'm letting it get to me, and I have decided I need to react in a way that is true to my feelings.  So, even though i've not been fired up lately today is the day for a great vent on the stupidity of random people and how it invades my life and makes it harder.  If you prefer not to read on I understand but here goes.

Background:
My apartment complex is small, only 8 apartments.  The landlord bought it right before I moved in, and since I have been here there have been 1 eviction, 2 move outs, and 2 move in's.  There are 2 apartments empty and its mostly quiet now since the change in renters.  Right after I moved in a young couple moved into a 3 bedroom apartment, and you might have thought the world was coming to an end the drama that it caused.  This being low income housing these kids were not "supposed" to have a 3 bedroom ... according to everyone they were "supposed" to have a 2 bedroom and the fights were many and ended in an eviction and another leaving tenant.  I have to mention here that I totally stayed out of the whole thing.  I  figured that i didn't know the rules and didn't care to so leaveing it alone was my best option.  With that said, the manager that put these kids in to that 3 bedroom quit and life moved on.  The new manager came to meet us all and had a fit that these kids were in a 3 bedroom apartment.  I was rolling my eyes at the whole situation and thanking my lucky stars that I didn't get put into an apartment that I didn't qualify for the whole time, but I am just giving background so you can see the messs had been long staanding and very explosive at times.
Situation:
The new manager said they had to move into a 2 bedroom and it had to be done in a week, it was unexceptable that they were in a 3 and they had to move NOW.  Well then, they moved in under me from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom and they were unhappy.  I would have been too, they didn't ask for a 3 bedroom, they didn't ask for the drama or the aggrivation but they moved quietly.  Then they saw a bug.  The world was over!  A water bug I am convienced because the description was it was 2 inches long and wiggly.  But, they had to bomb there apartment and now was the only option.  So underneath me 20 bombs went offf, while they went to her folks house for the weekend.  Now she did mention to me that she was letting off bombs so I can't be upset that I didn't know but my god 20 of them.  Every last ounce of fogger came right up into ambers room and the bathroom and set there for 3 days.  There apartment was closed up and my apartment has no screens in the windows so I couldn't do anything but keep the doors shut and hope that amber didn't have to breath too much of that shit in.  Amber couldn't sleep in her room I couldn't use the restroom without tears coming to my eyes, needless to ssay I wasn't a happy camper.  When they finally did return I asked her to come and smell ambers room so she could actually see what her leaving her apartment closed for 3 days did to my apartment since I can't just open a window or two to air it out.  (I'm alergic to bees big time and a nest lives out side ambers window, which is a whole nother issue i could go on about but I won't)  She came up and her eyes watered when she walked in my bathroom and the babies room was almost as bad.  Bigger space less concentration but none the less she assured me they wouldn't do 20 ever again.  

So life was good again, i didn't lose my temper or get overly bitter.  But, now I am just fucking pissed off.  I get a fucking letter in the mail yesterday that is 4 pages long... detailing the things that I have to do by monday so that they can have a professional come in here and spray for roaches.  I have lived here 9 months and have seen 2 roaches in my apartment.  I know where they came from and I killed them on the spot.  There isn't a roach problem in the complex at all.  but, now I have to remove everything from my kitchen cabinets and make ssure they are clean and dry, empty all hanging cloths from any closets, and remove all bedding from beds, anything in a storage area needs to be bagged in plastic and moved the middle of the floor in eaach room and the first paragraph of this letter states that falure to complie with all these dictations will result in lease termination.  I have to leave my apartment from the hours of 9-9 on monday and there will be an inspection on wed to make sure that the premisis is "bug free" 

the more i think about the whole thing the more mad i get about stupid people invading my space and making my life harder.

Date: 2008-09-01 14:09 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Well, Amber is heading ffor her nap so I have a few minutes to update everyone on whats been going on.  I'm going to start by going on and on about Amber cause well I tend to do that, she is so amazing!  She is trying so hard to walk now, pulling up to anything and everything.  If I turn my back for a moment she is into something, when it gets quiet I know she is napping or doing something she thinks might not be good.  She is so smart, when I tell her no she looks at me smiles really big and continues.  But, i'm not really hard on her she may get that no means something but I'm not 100 percent that she understands it yet.  I smacked her fingers and you would have thought I broke her hand the way she yelled and kicked.  But, babies and electric don't mix well so I had to be firm in my denial.  I proceeded to remove all cords from grabbing range and then giggled to myself.  That child is going to be so stuburn.... why I expected less is beyond me.

She is growing so fast too.  It wasn't a moment ago that she was so small I could hold her in both hands and there was still room.  Nwo she is wearing size 3 diapers and moving around like she owns the place.  Which of course she does!  I've been trying really hard to pick my battles and when I say no once to continue with that until she gets it.  Everything I have read says if your not going to follow through on it don't bother, so I've been doing my best to make sure that if its important enough to stop her once then everytime I should do the same.  

As for me, there really isn't much to tell.  Men are evil as usual and I have several around that want to be evil with me so it all works.  Only one of my three even sparks my interest but he is young and unsure about what his future holds.  So, I talk with whom ever decides to call and hang out with different people often.  Nothing amazingly horrible or wonderful happening just kinda normal stuff all around.  School started so its been quiet in the daytime here in my project.  I was starting to get annoyed with all the yelling and screaming I was listening too.  Now it seems to be seattling into evening hours where Amber is already asleep for the night so I don't have to worry about her being bothered by it all. Having Amber has diffently changed the way I think about things.  I have 18 months clean time now, its been really weird not getting high or drunk when the oppurtunity struck me.  A good weird but nonetheless different.  I guess mellow isn't the word but less explosive would express it well I think.  Not many things get me mad anymore, and getting fired up isn't really all that fun for me now.  All the changes havn't been as positvie but i'm working out how to deal with things as they come up.  it has been a challenge to creat a home for Amber, but I am enjoing it.  I wish more people from my past were part of her life.  I have had great friends come and go in my world and I hope that she sees the majority of them as time goes by.

I have a bunch of house work to do while she is down so i had better get too it.  I hope this update finds each of you in a space that is as calm and peaceful as my world has been lately.